The Pranking Adventures of Lori and Mari
by Zai-chan13
Summary: Two girls, one a ninja and one a proffessional stalker. One incident with a tree. More pranks than Spongebob has holes. After they move in, the Leaf Village will never be the same.
1. Plushies, Stalkers, and Ramen

The Beginning, Part I: Plushies, Stalkers, and Ramen

"Lori, wake up." Silence.

"Lori, wake up _now_." More silence.

"LORI! WAKE THE HELL UP!" Even more silence. Not like _Silence of the Lambs _silence. There was no Hannibal Lector involved (that we know of). But that did not make this particular silence any less annoying for Mari. This silence was one she encountered entirely too often: the silence of the mound of pillows and blankets known as "Lori".

Mari felt her eye lid begin to twitch. So it was going to be one of _those _mornings.

Switching on the light, she stalked up to the mound and promptly began to remove every pillow, blanket, and stuffed animal from the bed. As the pile shrank, it revealed a girl curled up in a fetal position, snoring softly. Mari paused a moment as compassion began to take over and force her to consider allowing her to sleep for a bit longer. Just a few more minutes wouldn't hurt…

Then a grin so absolutely terrifying that it would send Lucifer himself scurrying for cover appeared on Mari's face. Screw compassion; Lori was waking up _now. _She took a deep breath to prepare, and then…

"LORI, GET YOUR LAZY BUTT OUT OF BED RIGHT NOW OR I AM GOING TO CRAM EVERY PICTURE OF SHIKAMARU YOU OWN DOWN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL!" Needless to say, she meant business. The girl known as Lori sprang from the bed like a demented Tigger.

"You damn well better not! And what time is it?" Lori glanced at the small clock next to her bed and immediately balked at the time. "It's seven in the frickin' morning. You better have a _wonderful _explanation for getting me up at this ungodly hour," she added menacingly.

Although common sense (and most encyclopedias) would tell you otherwise, these two girls are best friends. Like sisters actually (which has nothing to do with the fact that they are distant cousins from the same clan). When they first met at the tender age of three and a half (a life-altering event for both of them), their clan soon decided that either the two would become best friends, or they would kill each other. As fate would have it, they became friends, although days when they don't threaten to kill each other and/or mutilate each other's property are few and far between.

While the girls continue their current glare-off, allow me to shed some light on their personalities. Let's say Lori and Mari wanted to take over the world. If this were the case, Lori would make the plan. Not only would she make the plan, the plan would be awesome. It would be detailed, well-researched, carefully constructed, etc. However, it would be Mari who would actually put the plan into place. She'd keep everything organized, deal with emergencies, break into government buildings, and the like. Lori would be distracted with something shiny. Or something with Shikamaru's face on it. Or something shiny with Shikamaru's face on it. You get the idea. Anyways, back to the glare-off.

"Number one: I have been up for an hour already, so get over your self. Number two: it's cleaning day. You're the one who decided Monday was cleaning day, so don't complain. Or I'll shove your new Shika plushie down the garbage disposal too," Mari replied evenly.

"But…hey, how did you know about the new plushie?" Mari was already gone from the room by the time she finished her question. "Stupid ninja friend," she muttered before turning around and groaning at the mess of pillows, blankets, stuffed animals, dirty clothes, various plushies, books, papers, and all manner of other random crap that she had to clean. True, it had been her idea to have cleaning day on Monday, but that didn't mean she had to enjoy it. She was pretty much in charge of scheduling what she and Mari did during the week outside of Mari's missions, and (for whatever horrible reason) that had to include a day to clean.

Two hours later Lori plodded down the stairs to get something to eat and instead was greeted by a suspicious Mari.

"Did you finish cleaning your room?"

"Yeah."

"The upstairs bathroom?"

"Yes mother."

"Shut up Lori. What else did you get done up there?" Mari did the downstairs part of the house, Lori did upstairs, and both did laundry. Lori had tried time and time again to convince Mari to do all of the laundry and she would do the kitchen, but Mari didn't trust her with cleaning chemicals _and_ kitchen appliances. One or the other was fine, but never both. She learned her lesson after Lori almost blew up their old village's main office building a few months prior.

"I cleaned up the bathroom, my room, the office, and your room. I was about to do the rest of the rooms when my stomach decided to cuss me out in Stomach-lish. So if you don't mind, I'm going to get a Poptart". Lori grabbed a strawberry version of said pastry and sat at on of the stools next to the kitchen island to enjoy it.

"Whatever. Oh, we're going to Ichiraku's with Naruto, Sakura, and Sai for lunch, no whining," Mari added quickly as the other girl began to open her mouth. Unfortunately for Mari, her warning did not stop her from complaining.

"We have to go outside? But there's sun out there!" Lori whined. She had a serious aversion to all things solar-related, much to the chagrin of her sun-loving friend. Mari enjoyed night and dark as well, but she believed that balance is good.

"One of these days I'm going to drag you into the sun and you're going to melt. Then I'm going to laugh."

Lori glared at her from across the kitchen. "Meanie. And besides, what is with your ramen obsession? Every time we go out to eat, we eat ramen."

"At least I don't stalk my obsession," Mari replied before turning on the vacuum, cutting off the conversation.

"Touché."

Grumbling something along the lines of "Stupid Mari", Lori finished her Poptart. It was common knowledge between the two that Lori spent a lot of her time stalking several of the male ninja in the village, specifically Kiba, Neji, and Shikamaru. She tried to get Mari to accompany her, but her friend generally made the excuse that since she saw them more often, seeing them do whatever they doing while Lori was stalking them would make any conversation with them rather awkward. Any argument Lori tried to make about this was cut off by the fact that, in the month since they'd moved to the village, she had never actually met any of the three aforementioned shinobi, so she wouldn't truly understand what Mari meant by "awkward".

"Besides all that, you've never even met Naruto, or Sai, and you only saw Sakura for, what, two minutes when we came here? Really, you need to get to know these people for our reports." By now Mari had turned off the vacuum and was standing at the threshold of the kitchen, leaning against a freshly wiped, greenish counter.

"Bleh, whatever," the lazier of the duo replied. A grin spread across Lori's face as she added, "You know, I was thinking we could get ahead on your geometry today. We might even be able to get through a whole extra lesson!"

"WHAT?! Why? That's not fair Lori!" While away from their village, Lori was in charge of making sure the two of them kept up with their school work. She would go through the day's lesson while Mari was away for the day, then go over it with her in the evening. Even if Mari was gone for a multi-day mission, she still had to make up her work when she got back. It wasn't that Mari hated learning; she just hated learning math, a fact her friend cruelly exploited every chance she got. "You're a bitch."

"Since when am I a female dog?" Lori asked, still grinning sadistically. At this point, Mari turned around, walked to the nearest wall, and began to bang her head against it while muttering "Stupid dictionary-reading friend…"

Naruto settled into his seat next to Sakura and Sai. They were deep in a conversation about something, so he chose to stare off into space and watch for Mari and her currently unknown friend, Lori . He and his team had been on a few missions with the girl before, and had found her to be…different. For the most part she was fairly easy going, but she had a bad temper and wicked sense of humor that was shown in her sarcasm. Despite her many cracks about his intelligence being linked to his hair color, he liked her. In Mari he had found a fellow lover of ramen, and she could eat almost as much as him.

"Oi, Naruto, what do you think her friend will be like?" Sakura asked, apparently having wrapped up her conversation with the weirdo. Many had been wondering the same thing; while Mari had quickly begun trying to meet people and go on missions when she came here, her friend and roommate had become all but unknown to the rest of the populace. Mari was rather vague when asked to describe her, so team 7 was quite curious.

"Maybe she'll be like Mari," Sai suggested. The three all suppressed shivers. They liked Mari, but there was only so much of her random violence and sharp humor they could take. Then the blonde shinobi noticed the very girls they'd just been discussing coming through the crowd.

Or rather, they saw flashes of them. They were both short for fourteen year olds, coming in at a whopping four feet nine inches. At first, this had led many of the village ninja to underestimate Mari's fighting ability. However, after a few training rounds with her, she gained a reputation for her vicious fighting style. Sakura wondered if her friend had similar skills, and if so, why she wasn't a ninja. Craning her neck to try and see the duo, the medic was temporarily stunned by the girls' appearance.

Mari didn't look all that strange from a distance. Her flaming orange hair made her stand out, sure, but that didn't compare to the other girl. She had the exact same short height and wiry build as Mari, with even paler skin that seemed to scream "The sun shows me no mercy!". Her hair was short, not reaching her shoulders, and had purple streaks interrupting its overall black color. The clothes she wore also contrasted with Mari's practical ninja attire: very Goth, complete with a black leather jacket.

"She's, um, different, I guess…" Sakura said without taking her eyes off the pair coming towards them. The other two silently agreed. They sat in silence for a moment longer, then Naruto raised his hand so Mari and her friend could see them.

"Hey, Mari! How are-". Naruto's shouted greeting was interrupted as Lori, after tripping over that evil and sporadically solid object known as "air", face-planted unceremoniously in the dirt.


	2. Drinks, Trees, and Things That Vibrate

**Hi! Welcome to my author's note! This would be the second chapter of my semi-crack fic, one I hope you guys enjoy. Um…I seriously can't think of anything else to put here. On to the disclaimer!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or Mountain Dew. I do own a Naruto poster (or two. Or five. Really, who's counting here?), but still no Mountain Dew. Darn.**

**0oo0oo0oo0oo0oo0**

The Beginning, Part II: Drinks, Trees, and Things That Vibrate

"What would you like to drink?" the owner of Ichiraku's asked politely. So far, lunch was going fine. Right after Lori tripped, Mari almost fell to the ground as well, though it would have been out of laughter rather than klutziness. The former got up quickly, and, with all the dignity she could muster, walked up to the counter and sat next to Naruto.

Mari followed and sat next to her, still giggling considerably. A few minutes later the group was deep in conversation, which mostly consisted of team 7 asking Lori questions. Her red-headed friend was quite pleased; finally, Lori was getting some new friends. She really was quite shy, and Mari was hopeful that going on outings like these would help that.

Then the cook had to ask that eternally damned question. "What would you like to drink?"

Naruto, Sakura, and Sai answered first: nothing (so he wouldn't spoil the taste of the ramen), tea (she found it to be healthier), and water (because…he's Sai). Mari cringed when the man turned to her friend and asked her, already seeing where this was going.

"I'd like a Mountain Dew please," Lori answered, polite and seemingly harmless. Mari resisted the urge to close her eyes and brace for impact. This was going to get ugly. Very ugly. Michael Jackson ugly, if you will.

"I'm sorry; we only serve Coke products here." Lori's eye twitched ever so slightly, the only warning the others got before the imminent explosion.

"Why?! Why must every stupid restaurant and fast-food place in existence serve Coke crap? What's so great about Coke? Pepsi is way better!" Mari thought that it would be prudent to attempt to end the tirade there.

"Lori, Coke isn't that bad. Maybe you should just try it?" Mari had just enough time to dodge the chopstick before Lori could gouge her eye out with it. Sakura nodded to herself; so she was a ninja after all. Or she at least had the ninja skills to wield a chopstick with expert precision. They aren't the easiest weapons to master you know.

"Never! I refuse to foul my mouth with that rubbish! Mountain Dew is the ambrosia of the gods, and I will drink nothing but that!" Lori yelled, leaving many random passerby to stare and Naruto to wonder what the hell ambrosia was. Her ranting continued, reaching a volume and intensity that most would not have thought possible from someone so small.

Mari dropped her head to the table, wondering if the noise would stop if she knocked herself unconscious. If only she could be so lucky. Once Lori got started on a rant, nothing less than Armageddon itself would stop her until she was done. Suddenly, her head popped up from its dejected state; she had an idea that might just shut Lori up long enough for them to finish lunch and get some Mountain Dew in her system. Tapping her friend, she waited patiently for Lori to turn around and look at her.

"You know, even Coke isn't as bad as you-know-what," she said, a serious expression on her face. She fought to keep it that way as Lori stopped in the middle of her sentence, eyes growing wide. Climbing down from the counter she'd leapt on in order to add strength to her angry outburst (it's often difficult to properly scream about something with any sort of dignity when you're sitting down), she calmly sat back down in her seat, turned to her friend, and nodded.

"You're right Mari. It isn't nearly as bad," Lori said softly in a slightly monotone voice. Seconds ticked by in silence. The cook behind the counter slowly began to stand up and peep over the counter to see if it was safe, the three other ninjas waited on the edge of their seats, and somewhere a four year-old ate paste for the first time. Soon it was too much for the blonde ninja to take-sitting in silence, no matter how tense or important the situation had never been his forte.

"What isn't as bad?" he asked, directing his question at Lori but receiving an answer from the girl who wasn't staring at the wall in a semi-creepy manner. Mari, however, was not much better; she replied in the kind of voice you hear most often during scary stories or annoying movie previews.

"It's one of the most evil drinks mankind has ever created. A horrible concoction stemming from a soft drink that knows few equals. For years it has marred the name of Pepsi. It is known as…" She paused for dramatic effect, watching closely as the others unconsciously leaned in to find out. "Diet Mountain Dew."

"It's the drink of Satan!" Lori suddenly shouted, sending the already terrified cook back behind the counter into a fetal position. Sakura, silent for most of the most of the situation, merely rolled her eyes.

"Seriously? That's it? Come on you two, it's just diet soda. It's not going to kill you," she said, trying to sound mature and adult-like, which is a little hard when your hair is a decidedly immature shade of bubblegum pink. Still, Sakura tried her best.

"I don't know Sakura-chan, that diet MD is pretty nasty stuff," Naruto said doubtfully. Mari looked at him with hope in her eyes-if Lori found someone who agreed with her on that, she'd definitely quit ranting for awhile. Sweet, silent bliss was in her grasp. That is, it was before Sai tore it from her grasp like one tears open a bag of M&M's.

"I like diet Mountain Dew," Sai mumbled. Mari stared at him as though he'd just murdered a puppy with a chainsaw before her eyes, silently hoping her friend had not heard. But when it comes to things involving her favorite beverage, no amount of softness will keep Lori from hearing it. Whipping around to face him, she fixed him with a glare so intense he visibly shrunk back against the wall. Even Naruto and Sakura, who weren't in the direct path of the glare, shuddered. There was something about her golden eyes that was just…creepy, like a cat playing with its dinner. They'd seen this with Mari's gray-green eyes as well; her glares had given people the chills.

The cook poked his head above the counter again, wondering why it had become so quiet all of a sudden. Mari shook her head at him and sighed. "I'd suggest you stay down there for awhile," she said.

"_What_ did you say?" the apparently soda-obsessed fourteen year-old asked menacingly. Our poor, socially inept friend didn't even have time to stutter before Lori attacked him, screaming something along the lines of "You heathen! You disgrace the name of Mountain Dew!" Mari dove at her friend, hoping to pull her off of Sai before she inflicted too much damage. As Sakura attempted to pull Sai from Lori's clawing grasp, she absently wondered if the duo had been trained to be this vicious or if they were just born that way. Either way, she could see her hospital shifts were going to be increasing the near future. Through it all, the one person still in their seat (Naruto) just laughed, cheered Lori on, and ate his ramen that had mysteriously appeared on the counter despite the fact that the cook was nowhere to be seen.

Ten minutes later, Sakura had taken Sai to the hospital (he didn't look like he'd been injured badly, but when he started singing "Hey hey you you I don't like your girlfriend", she decided it would be wise to get his head checked out. Really, it seems like pretty normal Sai behavior to me), Lori was contentedly sipping on a giant cup of Mountain Dew purchased at a vendor, Mari was eating her ramen and glaring at Lori, and Naruto was just laughing. Coincidentally, it was only he and Lori, the two who had received the least amount of (or in his case, no) injuries during the attack, who had found the situation at all funny. And somewhere, the four year-old continued to eat paste.

Once the ramen was finished and paid for, the duo o' doom said and waved their goodbyes. The trip home was quiet, except for the occasional obnoxiously loud slurp from Lori and her drink cup. Soon they had arrived at their home, opened the door (after a short incident involving a particularly loud slurp and Mari's temper), and went inside, Lori rubbing her head and Mari humming happily. Almost immediately they both flopped down on the couch, one at each end and both of them staring at the configuration of stucco spots, senbon needle holes, and small burn marks that decorated the ceiling.

"We should go for a run," the redhead suggested, sitting up. Lori lifted her head up with interest.

"Well, normally I disapprove of physical activity during the day, but for some odd reason that actually sounds great right now," she replied, already getting up. Mari grinned and hopped up, jogging towards the back door, Lori right behind her. Hopping over the back fence, they made their way through back alleys and lesser known paths until the came to the wall surrounding the village. Mari backed up a few steps, then leapt up at the wall, landing a good twelve feet up it. She continued to scrabble up as Lori landed not far behind her and followed. Mari put on an extra burst of chakra-induced speed and reached the top far ahead of her friend. Turning to stick her tongue out at Lori, she jumped off to the other side, leaving her friend to speed up and swear under her breath.

Moments later she landed softly in the grass on the other side. Still crouching, she took a deep breath and allowed her limbs to lengthen. She felt herself growing longer, her hands and feet turning into paws. Fur sprouted on her skin, and her senses increased dramatically. Hardly more than a few seconds later there was not a small, pale girl standing on the edge of the forest, but rather a two hundred pound tiger. Her fur was black as midnight, with deep purple stripes. She trotted a few feet into the forest, soon spotting the smaller gray wolf laying down under a tree, one gray-green eye open and watching her with amusement.

_Took you long enough. _Lori felt the words flow into her mind from Mari, and growled deep in her throat.

_It's not fair! How is it that I'm a freaking cat and you can still climb faster than me in human form! _ Lori shouted back into Mari's mind. She gave the wolf's version of a chuckle.

_It's only because I'm a ninja, Lori. Now come on, let's get going already_. The wolf-girl took off into the forest, tiger not far behind. They were careful on their runs-no one was supposed to know about their clan's special talent, and anyone finding out would result in the two of them being sent back to their boring home village. Even Mari had to be careful to use it when no one was watching on missions, or just use her half form (coincidentally, that was how Lori stalked guys and didn't get caught). But for now, they just had some fun as only semi-crazy, shape-shifting best friends could.

0oo0oo0oo0oo0oo0

Mari froze, nose in the air. She took in a few whiffs and signaled Lori mentally. _Do you smell that?_

_You mean that nasty wet dog smell? _Lori answered, earning a growl from her companion. Then she smelled it. _Crap, people! _Mari nodded and continued to sniff the air.

_Yeah, several. A family, two adults, three kids. They're moving this way-we'd better take the long route home._ Lori agreed and followed her. Then they heard it.

**Crack. **

_What the hell was that? _Mari said, ears twitching. Another, louder crack followed. Lori peered into the forest where the sound was coming from.

_I have no idea. Aliens landing? _The wolf rolled her eyes and headed towards the noise, only to come sprinting back a few seconds later.

_TREE! It's a fucking tree! _Lori staggered back as that and a tornado of images slammed into her brain like a migraine from the seventh level of Mayan hell.

_Ow! What the hell is it, Lassie? _ she said irritably. Mari growled and showed her the blur again. _The tree's going to fall? Mari, come on. We just have to go in another direction. Heh, it's kind of like that thing "If one tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear it?" So I guess if you're standing right next to it you'd hear it just fine…_Lori continued to ramble nonsensically. The wolf had finally had enough; she howled and took off running. Right towards the people. One picture flashed through her mind, one Lori hadn't been paying attention to. _Wait…holy crap the tree's going to fall on the people! Why didn't you just say that?! _ Lori took off after her friend.

_No, you stay here-people might find a wolf normal, but a black and purple tiger is a wee bit out of the ordinary._ Lori skidded to a stop as Mari leapt into the clearing, causing one of the kids to scream. She barreled into the two older ones, pure momentum driving them forward towards their parents as the crash of the tree became audible to the humans.

The tiger started to mentally congratulate her before she froze in horror-the youngest child was still in the path of the tree, only seconds away. She began to sprint out and shove him out of the way too, Mari's warning be damned, when the aforementioned wolf-girl grabbed the child by the back of his shirt with her teeth and yanked him out of the way just as the tree crashed to the ground.

Silence reigned. _Uh, Mari, you should probably let the kid go…_She did so immediately, allowing the boy to scramble over the tree to his shocked parents.

_We'd better leave. These people seem like they're ok and-_Mari was cut off by a high-pitched, feminine screech from who appeared to be the mother of the rescued children.

"That thing attacked my babies! It's a monster! Look, it bit him!" Sure enough, both girls smelled blood.

_Mari! What the hell did you do, try to eat the kid?!_

_I must have scratched him a little when I pulled him out of the way. He'll be fine. I think we have bigger problems. _She gestured to the log with her head, where the mother and father were staring at Mari like she had just crawled out of a volcano and oozed slime.

_Oh crap._ While Lori's description of the situation wasn't all that inaccurate, it was just going to get worse from there.

"Hey Mommy!" one of the older children called out from where he'd climbed on to the fallen tree, his near death apparently old news by now. "I think I see a tiger in those bushes over there! Now there's a tiger and a wolf!" Needless to say, the duo would have preferred he'd gone to eat paste. The mother screamed again as the dad climbed over the log, looking like he was going to take care of the problem. Mari noted his Konoha headband with dismay.

_Mari, it's time to execute escape maneuver 346._ Lori said, surveying the increasingly unpleasant state of affairs.

_Is that the one where we run like hell?_

_Why, yes, yes it is. _And with that, both Lori and Mari were off, leaving a screaming mom, an angry dad, and several very confused squirrels behind.

About twenty minutes and several detours later, the two could be found at their home, Lori once again laying on the couch and Mari pacing anxiously.

"I knew there was a reason I hated going outside," Lori moaned. Mari ignored her complaints.

"Crap, what are we going to do? If the council back at our village finds out we let people see us, we're going to be their new rugs."

"Oh, calm down. It's not like they saw us shift or anything. They probably just thought we were just wild animals."

"Lori, no wild animal would purposely move anybody out of the way of a falling tree. And tigers and wolves certainly don't hang out together," Mari explained as though she were talking to a five year old.

"Maybe you should call one of your ninja friends and see if anything has come up? No use freaking out over nothing." Mari was surprised at her friend's logic.

"You're right. Who should I call?"

"Shikamaru!" Lori shrieked. Mari glared at her. "What? He's smart, he'd know."

"Yeah, I bet that's _all_ you're thinking about when you're staring at him while he's sleeping," she said sarcastically. Ignoring Lori's indignant replies, she dialed Shikamaru's number.

"Hello? I'll bet it's something else annoying," Shikamaru answered.

"Hey, Shika." She could almost hear him glare at her through the phone. "Somebody sounds a little annoyed there."

"Oh, hello Mari. Yeah, there was some weird animal sighting in the east forest and everybody's flipping out," he said, sounding like he'd prefer to be in bed already.

"Really? What happened?" As if she didn't already know in great detail what had gone down that day.

"Apparently a tree fell while a family was having a picnic in the forest, and their kids were rescued by a wolf before it ran off with a tiger. Weird, I know."

"And that's a problem how?" Mari asked. She had saved the kids, after all.

"You know how people get when animals start acting strange. They're putting a team together to figure out what's going on, and hopefully track down those animals. They want me on it. So troublesome…" he complained. Mari's throat tightened.

"Do you know who else is going to be on it?" she asked, keeping the nerves out of her voice.

"Probably Neji and a tracker. Kiba's sister Hana might get on too since she's an animal expert and all. You'll probably hear all about it tomorrow," he said. Mari swore under her breath.

"Yeah, probably. Well, I gotta go. Talk to you later." Shika said something in farewell and hung up. Mari set the phone down cheerlessly.

"Well, that didn't sound the least bit fantastic," Lori prompted. Her red headed friend relayed what Shikamaru had said to her. Lori swore loudly. "We're screwed," she announced.

"No kidding. I really don't want to go back to our village. I like it here," Mari replied sadly. Lori nodded.

"Yeah, the stalking opportunities are much better here." When Mari didn't glare at her, Lori decided to take drastic action. "You know what'll make you feel better?" Mari looked at her hopefully. "Math!" she said, plastering an idiotic smile on her face.

"Actually, that doesn't sound half bad right now." Lori's smile faded as she watched her friend sullenly grab her geometry book and start working. She sighed and went to find her own book. Both wondered the same thing: What are we going to do?

0oo0oo0oo0oo0oo0

The first call came around 7pm.

Both girls were quietly doing their own thing-Lori reading on the couch in the living room, Mari working out of one the textbooks Lori had assigned at the kitchen table. The shrill ringing of the phone cut through the silence, surprising them momentarily.

"Mari, you get it."

"You're closer," she replied, not looking up from her work.

"But then I have to get up!" Lori whined. Mari rolled her eyes and got up, flipping Lori off as she walked to the still ringing phone. She glanced at the caller ID with interest.

"It's a private number. Should I answer it?" Lori nodded in assent and Mari picked up the phone. "Hello?"

"Tobi, where the hell are you, un? I've been waiting for fifteen freaking minutes! Some old lady has tried to sell me banana nut muffins three times already, un!" the voice on the other end yelled at a volume that caused Mari to hold the phone away from her ear for a moment. Who the hell was Tobi?

"Uh, I think you have the wrong number…" she replied, attempting to be at least sort of polite.

"The hell I do, un! Tobi, this is not funny-oh crap, un, now she's trying to set me up with her daughter. Lady, go away." Mari felt her eye twitch. For a wrong number he was pretty damn persistent.

"Ok, who the hell are you?" she said in annoyed tone. Later Mari would realize that curiosity preyed on more than just cats.

"You idiot, it's me, Deidara, un! Who did you think it was, the tooth fa-lady, I am not gay, un!" Mari felt her heart skip an estimated three beats.

"Deidara, as in the terrorist from Iwa?" Out of boredom Mari had once gotten a hold of a bingo book and read it. The name stuck out in her mind because of his penchant for blowing important buildings up, which Mari would have admired had he not been a criminal. Then again, can you blow up random objects whenever you want and not be a criminal in most countries, save Texas?

"Yes, of course, un. What is up with you?" Mari hung up and set the phone down slowly.

"Mari, why are you staring at the phone like it's going to try and eat you?" Lori asked after her friend hadn't moved from her spot next to the phone for a good five minutes.

"You know, I think it just might do that," she replied as she walked back to the kitchen table. Lori blinked a few times, shook her head, and continued reading her book.

Ten minutes later, the phone rang again.

"I'll get it," Lori said, but her friend was already by the phone. "Ok then. Aren't we a little eager?" Mari continued to ignore her.

"Hello?"

"Hey, is this the fucking pizza place?" the apparent potty mouth asked. Mari wondered how badly she really wanted to know who this guy was.

"No, this is not the fucking pizza place. Who is this?" she said, adding her own swearing.

"It's Hidan, and this has to be the pizza place. I have the fucking number right here," he replied.

"Well, then you have the wrong number. Is this some sort of prank?" Mari was getting annoyed again.

"No, this is not a prank, dumbass! I just want some fucking pizza!" he yelled loud enough for Lori to look up and listen with mild interest.

"I don't care if you want pizza! That's not my fucking problem!" Mari yelled right back.

"Ok, since apparently you're a dumbshit trainee at Pizza Palace, I'm going to say this slowly…"

"For the last time, this is not a fucking pizza place!" Mari finally screamed into the phone. She slammed it down and turned to see Lori staring at her from the couch, book apparently forgotten.

"All right, I heard the last few lines of that, and, um, yeah. Care to explain?" she asked. Mari rubbed her temples, feeling a headache coming on. Hidan was in the bingo book too.

"Lori, you are never going to believe this," she replied. After explaining the first two conversations, Lori was also rubbing her head.

"First of all, are you even allowed to be looking at the bingo book?"

"I…That's not the point here. We have S-classed criminals calling our house and demanding either some guy named Tobi or pizza. What do we do?" Lori pondered that a moment, then snapped her fingers for no apparent reason.

"I say we just let it be. We'll go get our phone number changed tomorrow. For now, these things are pretty entertaining. Put it on speaker next time." Mari agreed, and the pair sat by the phone, awaiting the next call. Sure enough, it rang a few minutes later. Mari put it on speaker and answered it cautiously.

"Hello? Who is this?" she asked, deciding to get the mystery out of the way as soon as possible.

"This is Sasuke Uchiha." The girls exchanged shocked looks; they knew exactly who Sasuke was. "I'm calling about the item I ordered," he continued. Lori giggled and Mari raised an eyebrow.

"I bet it vibrates…" Lori whispered, still laughing as Mari aimed a kick at her.

"I think you have the wrong number," she said, hoping in vain that he would just accept that and hang up.

"No I don't." Because, you know, Uchihas never get anything wrong. Besides not killing worthless, annoying brothers when they had the chance and running off to creepy snake ninjas. But that's an entirely different story.

"Yes you do," Lori replied.

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes!"

"No!"

"No."

"Yes. Wait, I mean…" Sasuke replied, obviously confused. Mari silently applauded Lori's use of mental trickery.

"Ok, I'm hanging up now," Mari said, finger already on the 'end call' button.

"Wait!" both Sasuke and Lori called out. But it was too late. "Mari, we never got to find out what he ordered!"

"Oh, right. Sorry." The two spent the next two minutes arguing about what it could have been. They'd finally narrowed it down to either imported cheese or a life sized blow up doll when Mari suddenly remembered their earlier predicament. "Crap. We still don't know how to get out of this one, do we?" Both girls sat in silence for a few minutes, letting the gloom of having to return home wash over them.

But then they got an idea. Neither knew who exactly had it first, for they both started grinning most evilly at almost exactly the same time.

"Hey Mari, are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Lori asked, smirking.

"You bet I am," she replied, returning the smile. "Tacos."

"Exactly-wait, what? I was thinking that we could distract the village from investigating the tiger and wolf incident from today…"

"Oh. That was totally my second choice." Lori rolled her eyes.

"So, I'm thinking we start out with a few prank calls here," she said, evil grin growing wider.

"And work our way up?" Mari continued. Her friend nodded. "Perfect."

"This village won't know what hit 'em," Lori said, leaning back into her chair.

"Right. But seriously, can we get some tacos?" Mari asked. "I'm really hungry."

"Only if they are tacos of DOOM!" her friend yelled, arms waving wildly. Mari blinked.

"Of course they're doom tacos. That's the only brand we buy." And so the two plotted their rescue over tacos and several bottles of mountain dew. Lori was right-the Leaf village would be like Rocky after a hit when they started their plan.

And somewhere, a certain four year old dreamt of eating paste.

0oo0oo0oo0oo0

**My Word program absolutely cracks me up. It kept saying this one sentence was wrong and I could not fix it for the life of me. Then I added 'un' to the end, and it was fine. Is it possible for your computer to be a Deidara fan?**

**Review, good people, review!**


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